Tangent Jamboree #10 ….and I Feel Fine!

 

The house next door to me is vacant but the house next door to that has a busy body old lady living in it. I like the idea of someone with nothing to do but look out her windows and keep an eye on things. In the morning she lets her dog out and if she sees me she comes over to make small talk and inform me of the amount of coloreds that she has seen walking around. Not a fan of small talk but have grown up with the outdated racist terms so I’m used to that. Then her dog that she has let off leash comes over and she smacks it with the leash and tells the dog to stay in the yard. I’m wishing I could do the same to her. 

Now this story charming story is going to change lanes and become about dog erections. Women in particular happen to be freaked out by the sight of genitalia. Somehow since it’s cute it should be like the stuffed animals that adorn your childhood bed. They try to smokescreen it by giving it cute phrases like “lipstick is out” and such. 

My neighbor’s dog has just went to the bathroom and she notices the dog erection and  then smacks him with the folded up leash and says in disgust 

“Every time he takes a number two his little red rocket comes out”

 

I said: Don’t worry about it, the same thing happens to me.

Damnedest thing, she stopped coming over for small talk

Hey speaking of crazy people or dicks……

Really?,,,,Couldn’t you say Jesus was a socialist?

What?

And aren’t most of the members of your church collecting some sort of social security disability?

Huh?

Come to think of it. Isn’t my tax dollars paying for the subtitles on the Faux News you watch?

What?

I wish I knew how to make a hand gesture that meant douchebag.

 

Noah knew to choose Sprint. 

 

These people are never wrong. We do not have much time left. Please, I beg you, take these remaining days and gather your friends and relatives and tell them to read my older blogs. I’m trying to get my numbers up. 

Though I might be proving their point with the next entry

 

Ever wonder what Miley Cyrus would be like with slightly less charisma?

If you happen to be looking in the Health section of Amazon you may have found this.

 

To me the pure comedy of this product is if you look at what the dudes who bought the blow up doll also bought….

 

Oh, nerds you never disappoint me.

 

More Miley Cyrus and jokes about breakfast cereal? You my friend are in luck:

Why wouldn’t I try this. It is a completely legal product?

And each one of these were made from a mold of Kevin Costner’s penis

And now we know that the Cap’n had a don’t ask don’t tell policy on his ship.

Wake up with a heaping bowl of offensive stereotypes every morning.

 

Go ahead and explain to your professors how important college is to you because you got there on a Ghostbusters scholarship

 

While you are eating these, whatever you do don’t think of Smurf testicles. I know that’s what they call them but really, keep eating……don’t think of testicles.

And now the section of cereal that is fortified with riboflavin and nightmares

ok back to something happy

Remember when you could proudly announce your product had sugar. I loved this cereal. Cool ass bear in a turtleneck that sounded like Dean Martin.

I would go eat some now but it makes my urine smell funny. I’ve never told anyone that. I hope someone reading this will collaborate. 

Nobody?

I want to make a Charlie Sheen joke but he’ll by dead by rapture time so what’s the point.

Finally the Tea Baggers have found a suitable candidate.

I like the polar bears ones. The baby seal flavored ones get too soggy in milk.

 

Cereal from a show with a large lesbian following flavored with a taste of honey.

I always say……..no….I just can’t…..

 Next picture please...quickly.....

 

GGAA!

I thought the stick drawings of the kids were an uninspired mascot. Had no idea originally they started with a Prison made voodoo doll.

Hmm cereal made by a dog food company. No thanks Barbie I’m leaving.

Wait are you taking your underwear off…. 
ok Breakfast with Barbie it is.

 

This is the name of the morning crew at my favorite gay restaurant. 

Even cartoon Bill can’t get a job  ...

 

You know that shitty candy that your cheap neighbors give you on Halloween that you never eat!

Well now you can never eat it every morning

I feel the Cap’n has given up on us.

What the hell is that freak. Cap’n you have got to stay away from these artificial chocolatey engineered mutations

Well now I feel like an ass because that abomination actually looks sad that Cap’n Crunch is missing.

Crackos dealers…..first one is always free

They had to throw in an extra “g” due to a copyright issue with a Metamucil High Fiber cereal.

I have never seen this but based on the box I’m sure they antics of Klondike Pete and his Donkey that is wise but tired of Pete’s shit made for hilarious commercials. 

Now I’m sad. Must find Klondike Pete commercials. 

How could this not appeal to the youngsters? All kids relate to Italian and/or Jewish middle age guys that bitch about going to work

The new Pixar movie starring Nathan Lane and Andy Dick.

You know that post-menopausal aunt you have that all of her friends refer to as “a hoot”  go show her this so she can make the joke 

don’t pour milk on these after midnight.

She’ll feel good and you’ll feel good for doing it.

This is from Mexico. I should give it a pass

But I’m not.

 

If you replaced the Kream Krunch mascot with Miggs from Silence of the Lambs. It would be just as creepy.

Hey, that’s my dj name

"Big Mixx spinning records all night long but will be right back after I drop a Crunchy Logg"

Free prison shank in every box

That’s dandruff. You are eating dandruff.

Mr. Wonderfull’s surprise is that his divorce isn’t final yet and he’s living with his parents….AM I RIGHT LADIES !!!!!!

That’s all 

lets meet May 22 and all have a big bowl of religious flakes.

If I’m wrong I’d like to point out that sampling the legal product of Miley cereal was a joke about her use of Salvia and not about her as a person. 

Oh who am I kidding, come watch me in hell being chased by this