Tangent Jamboree #9 Movin On Up

 

 

I tried to hang on to myspace for longer than most. But they screwed up the blogs. I moved everything here and I checked my stats after a week. The blogs that had the most hits were the horrible tattoo pictures and the wisdom of Darryl Heine. 

SO with no new stories to tell I figured I would give the world what they want, no need. 

Enjoy:

 

My favorite item at the Dollar Store

 

Where to begin:

Pregnancy tests at the dollar store should come with directions to the abortion clinic and adoption agencies.

Did the Dollar Store Condom break?

If you sent your man out to buy a pregnancy test and he comes back with one from the dollar store what are the chances of getting child support?

They had to put this sign up and keep them behind the counter because they were obviously getting stolen. If you thinking about having a kid and you have to steal something that costs $1.07  chances are private school is out of the question.

 ok now on to the tattoos:

 

More rare than the Holiday Special this is from the Star Wars Wookie Wedding Variety Show

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Someday I hope to be as strong of character as Christopher

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Although I am against hunting. I do feel it is ok to put out of misery 

a deer with downs syndrome

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This seems handy. Sometimes I need to carry knives and salad bowls when my hands are full.

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This must be a mistake. How can this guy get arrested when his face clearly says he is a genius. Must have been a computer hacker or something.

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You heart who?

Hasidic Jews?

ZZ Top?

Tony Walker?

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My monther wouldn’t appreciate this.

“So you didn’t want to put it on the front”

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Murder was the case that they gave me

with some Clearasil.

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Ear lizards are cool but I get tired of their tails getting tangled and I throw them away.

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These LOL Cats make no sense to me

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Practical.

You can keep going up for more free samples at the grocery store.

Each finger a different disguise.

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Okay I wouldn’t want this to happen to me again either but just to make sure I’m going to get it burned into my flesh

So I never go through that embarrassment.

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If I could be a fly on the wall when this Algonquin Round Table gets together.

 

 

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Worst childrens show of all time. But the theme song is still stuck in my head.

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What Would Raptor Jesus Do?

Answer: Create a kick ass line of skateboard shoes

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But to read this the person you are threatening is behind you.

Usually you don’t see this kind of power confidence in a bottom.

Oh maybe its warning about painful urination in the morning.

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Not sure what’s going on here. Let’s just say it’s something about socialism.

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“Shhhh don’t tell my daddy how shity this looks”

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SQUIDCAT save us from Sharktopus.

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Yaaa I just don’t get it.

Stormtrooper fish? Empire Cod? Storm Trout?

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And when someone says Straight Edge I always think of  that guy in Counting Crows

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Hey its two of my favorite Aryan fetishes when--- FUCK ITS STORM GROOPER.

Storm Grooper how could I have missed that.

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I used to watch these shows but the fights are so fixed

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“So I like chose this symbol because its like a black fish and a white fish just trying to swim all up in there and its just like what I say to my probation occifer we all just tryin to do our own fish thing”

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Would you think less of me if I made a Uranus joke?

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This time I thought of having the quotes of Glenn Beck to compare and contrast the twitter post of Darryl Heine.  

 

 

See you next time

MEOW-MEOW-MEOW

Tangent Jamboree #8: Not makin friends with this one WARNING I’m a potty mouth

Tangent Jamboree #8: PART 1 Not makin friends with this one WARNING I’m a potty mouth

April 2, 2010

I always hear that it is racist to say “I have black friends” but I accidently realized something. I don’t have any black friends. Does the reality of that make me a racist or just saying it does. When I get a black friend I won’t refer to him as my black friend. No matter what his name is I will only call him Lando.

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Ebay ruined collectable shows

Amazon destroyed record stores

Now Chat Roulette has eliminating public flashing.

The interweb has taken away all my loves.

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Even notice how something that makes you sound normal or even cool but you just add one word at the end and suddenly you become a giant loser.

My favorite movie is Jaws…...3-D

Your biological father is Frank Sinatra…..Jr

Can you help me find my remote control.....boat

What made me think of this was because I was introduced to a girl

She’s pretty single and she’s a vegan……...dog breeder.

This sound actually came from crotch (right click here and open)

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I just want a Plano Normal Sandwich with no EFFINGHAM

I found this from the trip to southern Illinois. I like a town that censors itself.

Maybe I could go to city hall and befriend Mayor Enword.

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My favorite convenience store

“It’s 3am and I need finish making this mirkin plus I’d like some lotto tickets. But all I have is piles and piles of unwanted gold.”

"These foreigners come here and take our jobs. I use to sell human hair 24 hours a day. As my father did before me."

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Heinne Time

Those you who read and fell in love with the great Darryl Heinne last month are in for a treat. If you enjoyed his well thought-out writing about his dedication to Chuck E Cheese. Can you imagine what his random everyday thoughts are? Well imagine no longer.

Master Heinne has a twitter account.

Now I wanted to use his postings as an unwilling correspondent to my blog. Then I read the Playboy interview with John Mayer at 3am and it was funny to me to compare and contrast these great minds. Enjoy:
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Tattoos: the mullets of the new millennium

I hate tattoos.

A girl that I "work" with, let’s call her Traylor announced that she got a tattoo.

I told her that if she wanted to go through a painful experience, be scarred for life, and possibly get hepatitis...she could have just spent a weekend with me.

She believes that is inappropriate.

But lets hope Traylor didn’t get any of these:

Mom, make me more pancakes, I need to make more space to fit in Jar Jar

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Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you rock?

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If the answer is no,

Caroline Summers will you apply my ointment?

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(screw you photobucket I found this on another website)

Congratulations you don’t need Rohypnol

Congratulations Craigslist does work

Congratulations I only had money for a tattoo or a book on raising my self esteem

Congratulations I don’t have to take you to the emergency room I found my rings, wait this one isn’t my ring

Congratulations you have herpes

Congratulations we don’t need to use birth control because I’m already 4 hours pregnant.

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If this is a manifestation of your two greatest fears dogs and vaginas. I believe you are safe now. No one that owns either will let you near them.

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I want to be noticed by a 14 year old girl that smokes pot. What will get her attention?

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I was just kidding I want the kind of girl that loves horticulture, cats, and naked Chuck Norris without genitals. If only that girl existed.......

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Hi HO

Wait a minute...one is missing. We have a man trapped in mine #2.

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Your probably thinking that this guy gets hassled by airport security, but you’re wrong this douche can’t afford an airplane ticket.

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Alright which one of you bitches is Mrs Paul?

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What’s the name of the place I never want to visit...

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I’m fine with a giraffe that fell asleep on the toilet while reading the paper, but why was he wearing pants. Flawed,,,flawed I say.

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I said no EFFINGHAM-(punch)

Get it,,,,, knuckle sandwich…..

But if I had this tattoo mayonnaise would be added 3 times a day.

Most people can’t get away with a joke like that. Do you know why I can. Because I’m classy.


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You’re also

A jckass

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Michael Jackson as a zombie with a camel toe.

Fitting tribute indeed.

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Why didn’t someone tell me Janet Reno died?

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Finally a religion I can get behind

 











Maybe not but I would go see a punk band called Jesus Boner

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Oh...no...I disagree

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Foolish tattoo perhaps, but I have prayed for someone to make me macaroni & cheese before

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Courtney Love you’ve never looked better.

Ya two Courtney jokes in as many months. Screw you.

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Hail Mary full of Nabisco

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I had to consult with my undead expert Rob on this subject and turns out that if the Virgin Mary became a zombie she would actually prefer Nilla Waffers not Triscuts.
These tattoo guys just don’t use a fact checker.

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I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this. Not just because I’m afraid that this guy will hunt me down and screams ICE ICE BABY as he punches me in the sack. Seriously, This guy is an ultimate badass.

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“I should have known better than to try to get a job in Boston, All these Harvard brats will never give a break to a Yale man like myself,,,,,I say good day to you,,,,I said good day”

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“I’m not sure if that’s the same man that attacked me officer, I seem to remember him to be at least 73 inches tall”

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What the hell is Noth

But if he looses the T finger in an accident You can make him feel miserable by asking if he wants to watch Cast Away, Forest Gump or Davinci Code.


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I would be upset that it seems Poppinfresh is violating my favorite girl, but everybody knows Doughboy can’t get hard

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This is incredibly specific.


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Oh sweet irony


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No shirt no shoes NO PROBLEM


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Some people call shrimp the cockroaches of the sea. But this just proves they are dapper mother fuckers.


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On the other leg there’s a tat of giant cellphone.


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Don’t make fun she has juvenile onset diabetes.




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To err his human





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Do you remember the sentimental favorite episode of Who’s the Boss the one where Tony walks pre-surgery Alyssa Milano down the isle?

Me either but there’s no way this is from the Emmy Awards.. ....










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You got that right. Bitches always taking my melon ballers and floating pick axes.



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At least he’s asking nicely.


Christ, I have no self confidence.
But this dude has too much.

I would have to have

thank you so much
Or what was your name again


 

Oh thanks. Maybe I should rethink my position. Tattoos are handy.


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Now I know why the pre-teens and gays love unicorns. I hadn’t realized they sneeze Japanese throwing stars, poop holly, and urinate rainbow cupcakes .

Unicorns are natures’ awsome dispenser.




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At first look this doesn’t seem to make sense but there is a story behind it






Fat dude had a terrible idea. The end.



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That’s right everyone up times . Our fun is over.