Random Thoughts IV: Old Man with Sticks
Sept 28, 2007
Last blog I got the most response from my texting rant. From robot erections to my blasphemous Jesus poem I would have never thought criticizing cell phones would have flustered so many people. Also the hits on that blog are surprisingly high. Unless everyone I know is reading each one 3 times day I can't figure out who keeps looking. So who are you people? It's bugging me. Email me? Something,,,who are you???
Anyway, on to the fun
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I hate practical jokes. I hate pranks. I just don't get the humor. Especially when you plan them on your friends. If you work with someone like Dwight K Shrute then by all means scam away.
When I worked at the Cd store once in awhile a friend would call in and ask me if I had Milli Vinilli or Best of the Village People. I would check and come back and say that we didn't have it. Then they would say "Hey it's me pretty funny that I asked for something stupid." I would say Hey thanks for wasting my time the reason we didn't have the cd you think is funny is because someone bought it. People buy and request crap everyday.
But what really turned me against pranks is when I was 16 I was sitting with me aunt. She had just bought a pot holder or sugar bowl that had the Rice Crispy elves on it. It was from a church garage rummage sale and it was only a dime.
Just talking out of my ass I said that she should look for the early Rice Crispy premiums. There are rare ones that have another elf. Snap, Crackle, and Pop had a brother named Roy that left to become an accountant. So anything with Roy is worth a lot of money.
Just one of those things I say.
Two years later my aunt says that every garage sale, rummage sale and thrift shop she goes to she always asks for anything Rice Krispys that has Roy on it. Then I had to look at my favorite family member and tell her that it was just a joke. And never have I felt more like a giant ass monkey.
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Once more thinking back to my Hi Fidelity days back at the Cd Store. I remembered my dislike for Led Zeppelin. There music is fine, maybe a little burnt out on them, plus not to fond of every other song being about crap from Lord Of The Rings. It's really just that none of their songs are titled CORRECTLY.
At the store when someone was looking for one song I would have listen to mullet karaoke
as they sing BA DA-DADA DA Come from the land of the ice and snow.
Ya that's D'Yer Maker.
Which album is that on.
And to make things even easier half their albums have no titles.
What's album has that one,, Umm,, purple operator and 50 cent ham.
I don't know but I pretty sure it's not ham,
can't you just go to Best Buy and get the box set.
Of course the only song that has the right title is the worst song ever. Stairway to Heaven.
Oooooo maybe that will stir you people up like my texting rant.
Is there a bussel in your hedgerow? FURetrds:)
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If you could press a button that would make one of these people vanish from Earth
Osama Bin laden
Or
Ryan Seacrest
Now keep in mind one choice makes you a good American and the other makes you a GREAT American.
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Back in June I was listening to Steve Dahl in Chicago. The parents of the band Plain White Tees grew up listening to Steve & Gary and wanted to have their kids on his show. They played Hey There Delilah.
I thought this is a really good song and wished they could get some airplay
I need to reevaluate my powerful wishing
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I'm training volunteers at the animal shelter. Most of you know I am the only male volunteer. And most of you weren't shocked when I said that. We have had 2 male volunteers go through the orientation but never show up for training. The director sets up a time with me specifically and tells me to make them comfortable because they are nervous about being around women. I thought that was just the impression she got. Regardless they never showed up. I did meet one at an event. He was white haired gentleman, probably in his 60's, Swedish or German. I asked him why he hasn't come in for training and he said he was intimidated. I asked by what and he said it was being outnumbered by all the women. I'm not sure how he's intimidated. If he likes to be around guys, most of the women there are more masculine than me.
Is he afraid that it's like in grade school and all the girls will corner him and put lipstick on him?
Or they'll force him to synch up to their cycle.
Regardless I really didn't have patience for him. At 60 you should be able to be in environment with women.
Sack Up Gepetto
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I originally made a list of Halloween Costume ideas for Heidi but felt I needed to share and pad this blog with more stuff.
Michael Vick in hell
Undercover Bathroom Cop
Robo-Chris Hanson
Brittany Spears' back fat
Kayne West's Ego (large costume)
Kayne West's talent (small costume)
Vickie the Small Wonder robot
Deborah Harry from Blondie when she was hot.
One of those free trial discs for AOL from the 90's
Zombie Della Reese
Atari Joystick
Your favorite issue of Barely Legal Magazine
Boo Berry
Film around ketchup lid
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Invisible Man
Pauley Shore's career (high concept but same costume as Invisible Man)
$500 Macy's Gift Card from Myspace
The douche that says "leave Brittany alone"
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Every week on the Late Show With David Letterman website they have a contest for Top 10 Lists. Usually topical subjects and the winner gets a Late Show Tshirt.
Two weeks ago the subject was
Top 10 Tv Shows In Iran
My entries were:
New Adventures of Old Mesopotamia
Bold & the Baghdad
Dialing for Dinars
Bold & the Baghdad
Dialing for Dinars
And my winning entry was
How I Met Your Mullah
Last week
Top 10 things overheard at Brittany Spears MTV performance.
I guess they don't make lowfat Doritos
Those 12 hours in rehab really paid off.
Ehh,,, I 'd still do her.
And my winning entry was:
Who knew being bald and beating a car with an umbrella was the second most humiliating night for her this year.
Two Tshirts on the way to me. Proud proud trophies
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More on my media blitz this week. I listen to the Loveline Radio show every night as I work. I started to send them stuff and they kept reading it on the air. Now like a stray cat they made the mistake of feeding. I won't leave.
This was the most recent. I hate posting audio files because they keep getting deleting but let's hope it stays. It sums up what I have been doing
(right click this link to open up the audio)
Other pitches
D.L. Hugley & Stryker are a gay couple pretending to straight to stay on the police force.
Dr Drew is the bumbling sergeant that thinks he knows their secret. So he assigns them their new job. Pretending to be gay as undercover rest room cops.
Hilarity ensues in this tri-sexual foot tapping bathroom musical
"ON THE DOWN LOW"
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Stryker is the lead singer of todays most popular Religious heavy metal band Onward Christian Soldiers.
Dr Drew is the devil, disguised as their manager. He secretly films Stryker's sex romp with a Disney Channel starlet and releases it to ruin his Jesus street cred.
"INA GADDA HUDGENS"
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Anthony Anderson. & Stryker find out they share a biological father (played by Dr Drew) when they inherit his Ice Cream Parlor.
They have to get past their differences and keep their pop's ice cream shop afloat.
In this bittersweet racial tension summer hit that will melt your heart
"ROCKY ROAD"
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Steve Austin is by the book but tough as nails accountant Steve Nickle
Stryker is his nephew who laundered money for the mob Edward Dyme.
Two CPA's go on the run from the mob and the feds in a summer blockbuster buddy chase film
"NICKLE & DYME"
Now Dr Drew and Stryker both got it and kept mentioning it. Stone Cold said that it wasn't that bad and could see that making money.
Shocking fact Pro wrestlers and irony do not mix well.
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