Random Thoughts Part 8 Racists Take Manhattan
originally posted June 2, 2008
The reason I do not like beer or coffee is because all my drinks have to be sugary. Growing up I had an IV of powdered drink mixes hooked up to me at all time. In fact, I loved those mixes so much I would lick my fingers and stick them into the canister and then basically freebase Kool-aid the rest of the afternoon
Being influenced by tv (shocking) I never really cared for the Kool-Aid commercials. I liked the drink but the character seemed to be an asshole. Even as a 6 year old I knew busting down someone's living room wall just because your thirsty seemed like a major a-hole move
Then I was introduced to my favorite. Pillsbury's line to compete with Kool-Aid.
Funny Face.
A whole group of flavors all with different character and none of them wanted to wreck your house.
And I fell in love
Choo Choo Cherry was my favorite. He was an engineer and the leader.
Jolly Olly Orange was the joke teller
Goofy Grape was, I guess, functionally retarded and the comic relief of the group. Which I don't understand because they weren't exactly doing high drama.
Rootin Tootin Raspberry was ok but never cared for berry flavors plus he was the Sheriff and even then I hated the law.
When I had some dough to spend and being the obsessive collector that I am I tracked down some Funny Face merchandise. To my horror I found a couple of characters created before I was born. The commercials were even worse because they had horribly racist voices.
But I'm sure whoever created them was pissed because he never got to unveil
Jew Berry
Or
Loud Mouth Wife Punch
===
A friend is doing a walk for life for cancer research.
And she asked me to come up with some names for her team.
When asked to name things I always just come up with jokes. I'm not sure why my friends keep asking me to do this.
Actually I'm not sure why I still have friends.
So here are my 2 attempts at top ten lists for name ideas:
Deadbeat Dads
Non convicted sex offenders
Legion Of Doom
Jonas Brothers (just to make 12 year old girls show up)
Our Feet Hurt
Angry Bunnies
What's that smell?
Fighting White Cells (not racist- just the only cancer term I know)
Annoying Ringtones
The Runs
Seriously, What's that smell?
The Hilarys (guaranteed to come in second!)
Four Diamond Escorts
Email Spammers
Full Size Midgets
Paula Abduls
The How Much Longers?
Tainted Luncheon Meats
Sickly Gazelles
Steroided Turtles
S-Car-GOES! (Too high concept? It's a snail joke!!!!)
Chemo-Sabies (MY NEW FAVORITE)
==
On to the news desk:
Thursday, Mar 6, 2008 @09:32pm CST
Police arrest six women in Winnebago County for prostitution. But they weren't found on the street, they were online. There's lots of things for sale on the website craigslist.org - everything from electronics to apartments.
But now, the Winnebago County Sheriff's Department found women in the area selling sex. The six women were caught at an Eastside Rockford motel. "they initiated the contact by advertising on craigslist," Iasparro says. "Based on that, the detectives made contact with them."
Just because I'm bored and a loser I looked up these 6 women to see if they had a myspace page. Four had pages. Does anyone remember my theory that any adult girl that has Tinker Bell on her page is F-ed in the head?
Any guesses how many busted sex workers had Tink on their page?
Two of four.
Actual proof that 50% of all dirty dirty whores are Tinker Bell fans
You know how I know you're gay:
High school wrestling was suspended Tuesday across the state due to a widespread outbreak of a skin infection. The Minnesota State High School League said 24 cases of herpes gladiatorum have been reported by 10 teams. The virus is spread by skin-to-skin contact. Symptoms have included lesions on the face, head and neck of wrestlers.
The league banned competitions and direct contact between wrestlers in practice until Tuesday, Feb. 6. Dr. B.J. Anderson, a former wrestler who acts as a health adviser to the league, said he didn't think an extension would be needed. "Our data shows with previous outbreaks that we've had, that an eight-day period of time would be appropriate to ... shut down any further outbreaks," Anderson said. The suspension is meant to control the current outbreak, allow time to diagnose new cases and prevent disqualifications at the state tournament, scheduled for Feb. 28-March 3.
You know how I know you're gay?
Because any activity that you roll around with dudes and you get a sexually transmitted disease makes you GAY
====
The return of the
DOUCHEBAG AWARDS
And all our nominees are people who come into the animal shelter.
These are longer stories than normal.
Nominee 1: The breeder
We have a litter of 12 Akitta puppies. 4 were adopted when I got there. 4 people filled out applications and all 4 were turned down and I dealt with another 2 and told them they couldn't adopt. I'm more courteous than I would want to be. By that I mean I don't call them fucktards to their face.
One of the guys said he wanted the female but wanted it cheaper because he wanted to breed her. I said that the price is set and they are spayed before they leave. He said that he would be willing to pay the full adoption price but if he was going to pay that much he'd have to be able to breed her.Told him that all the animals are fixed to curb overpopulation.
Then got the classic douchebag catch phrase: "So you'd rather put this dog to sleep"
When I hear this ( And I have at least once a month) I immediately flash in my mind like a cartoon- him just saying that and then cut to the outside door and you see him being tossed out by the collar and his belt and I just stand there brushing of my hands like I have just taken out the trash.
But after my Scrubs-like fantasy I always ask why they say that. It seems like they are acting like they have said some sort of magic phrase like Rumplestilskin so I have to do exactly what they say.
But in reality it two things One- their engine runs at a chaos level and they are at a stop light revving it up to get you to race. So to argue or get mad just fulfils their desire. Two- is the all too common belief that the world revolves around them If it wasn't for them the most horrible thing would happen.
So instead of getting mad I always asks questions.
Questions make you think and thinking is the arch-enemy to the douchebags.
Why would you say that?
Well you don't want me to adopt so you'd rather see this dog dead.
I don't want to see that dog bred. These are county laws. I volunteer here. Do you think I come here because I'm all about killing animals?
Well that's what's going to happen.
We've been open 3 hours 4 puppies have been adopted. Do you think no one else is willing to give a puppy a home without making a profit?
He turned around and walked out.
Probably didn't need to add the profit part.
When I write out the name tag personality profiles to put on the cages I should write on the tags
THESE PUPPIES DO NOT SUPPORT THE TROOPS
just to keep said fucktards away.
Nominee 2: Conversational racists
One Saturday multiple people came up to me a said the weirdest shit. All bigoted nonsense. One asked about the amount of Pit Bulls that come in. And I answered her that we do get a lot of that breed. Then she asked if I'm the one who has to deal with the Mexicans who don't take care of the pitbulls. Another guy asked how many blacks get busted for dog fighting. But the craziest was these three beautiful Yellow Labs all picked up running loose at the Sports Core in Loves Park, This guy (wearing a torn 9-11 memorial shirt) heard me say this he said that it was strange that black people would have Yellow Labs and would dump them in Loves Park. Now my mind was spinning around that to him that black people were the previous owners even though they don't own labs and why they couldn't drive to Loves Park.
With all this hate speak, if someone would have taken off their shoe and started clipping their toenails as I was eating it would have been just like my family's Thanksgiving Dinner.
What possesses someone to say things like that out loud? And what about me conveys "here's a guy that shares my hatred for other races"
Nominee 3: But users
I've always called people on their use of the word "but". Remember when that word was a conjunction? Now people who use it believe it's utterance somehow sprays amnesia juice. I used to say that when someone uses the word but only pay attention to what they say after the but because everything before but is the exact opposite of they really mean.
You're a great guy and super nice but we should see other people.
You're a hard worker and very intelligent but we are going to have to let you go.
Well maybe that just applies to me.
Now after a couple people at the shelter now I think that but means Do the opposite of what you just said
"let me open that cage for you"
But I was just trying to let it out.
This one pot head wanted a deal on two of the puppies.
"It's $110 each no deals on two"
But I only have $150.
Well since you said BUT I must forget what I just said.
You win
Before the winner is announced I'd like to remind everyone that the Douchies are sponsored by Red Bull.
Red Bull It gives Douchebags wings.
Now it is just an honor to be nominated, but the Douchie goes to:
The Breeder.
The Breeder couldn't be here to accept his award he is in line to buy lottery tickets
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