Random Thoughts: MickX

Random Thoughts: MickX

July 11, 2008

The cracker doesn't fall far from the barrel

As you know I love to make fun of my (let's just call them, rural) family. They will refuse to go to places because they are too fancy. That includes some grocery stores and banks.  So I always say that they do all their banking at the Coinstar and their investments are handled with the Greedy Goat. But I gotta say there is something to the hillbilly stock market of aluminum can recycling. I drink a lot of pop and they were starting to pile up over the winter so I filled up the van and got $65 check.  Which is far more than expected.

What did I do with my can dividends, you ask.  I got me a shinny new toilet seat.

Don't be a playa hater.

About two years ago I helped a friend get a new hot water heater. It was about $100. I needed to get one last fall and it was over $300. The price went up that fast. I found out that is because the price of metal has nearly doubled.

So what is the moral: Drink More Pop.

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Audrina Stage one Audrina Stage one gets your dollars out. Gentlemen make it rain for Audrina

Now here's a story that I feel uncomfortable telling. I still will tell it. I'm just saying…the person I have been a friend with the longest, let's just call him TappingGarry.

TappingGarry was my roommate when I got my first apartment. He is a bit older than me. His life tends to be swirling chaos. He was separated from his wife when he moved in. Then his stepdaughter became pregnant at 15. And he moved back in to help out. And he ended up being the main stable guardian of his grandson Barkie back & forth for the next 18 years.

Last Christmas Barkie was living back with his grandpa TappingGarry. He said to me that it was funny that I gave him a copy of Juno that week. My spidey-sense went off with alarms as I said

No No No.

Yep Barkie's 15 year old girlfriend is with child. I pleaded hoping that like in the movie they would give this kid a chance and put it up for adoption. He said that the girls mom wanted to raise the baby.

Now here is where I walk the line of being funny and a giant ass.

I said that as soon as that baby is born, get a giant Wile E Coyote style slingshot, and if it's a boy shoot  it into the prison and if it's a girl aim right for a strip club. Why waste the time because that's where the kid is going to end up. I later met the girls mom who is unmarried (shocking) and even with the bruised eye she really didn't look over 30 years old. Last week was Barkies graduation party and they announced that the baby is a girl and they are going to name her Audrina after the whore on the MTV show The Hills.

At least she won't have to change her name for her career.

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Jon Basenji Ramsey

After a dog training seminar we went out for diner with the woman who was in charge of it. During the meal she said she is currently teaching her dog to read. Using flashcards with one word commands. Now I never taught my dog any tricks. She was my special girl and that was enough. And I think teaching dog tricks is as weird as putting your daughter in one of those child beauty pageant. Since I never wanted Boots to end up in a semen stained basement death scene I never taught her to perform to the public. And really if you are at the point you are teaching your dog elaborate tricks like learning to read

Have a fucking kid.

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Viewer Mail

Responding to last months Blog, The bigger the belt buckle the less intelligent you are.

Vintage Torque Magazine writes:

so are you saying Elvis was dumb? He had a HUGE belt buckle in the 70s

wait - everyone had huge belt buckles in the 70s, were we dumber as a country then?

Yes and Yes

If you would judge Elvis's decision making on career and personal life and divided it between pre-giant belt buckle and after and your only choices were smart and dumb. What would you classify the big belt buckle era?

And apparently everyone was dumb in the 70's. There is a coffee commercial running now that is using Mr Bill as their spokesperson.

Why the shit is that funny?

I thought it was funny when I was EIGHT. Was everyone that high or stupid back then to think playdoh getting smashed was hilarious?

Every few years they thaw out a lump of clay for Pizza, hotels, now coffee ads. Reminisce the time you were popular for no reason.

Then let it go.

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B.Y.O.B. (the 2^nd B for Burglary)

My friend Brian got his credit card stolen before it was mailed. He had to go through each charge to say which were not his. Cash advances, Best Buy, and so on. But the funniest was one 99cent charge to I-Tunes. Which is incredibly stupid because even if he didn't used his own account  it still could be traced through the ISP address to what computer he used.

Now that brings the question what song did he pay for? What is the only request for a really stupid thief?

Sean Kingston's Beautiful Girls? Maybe?

I think the smart money on stupid would be System of a Down.

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Best Store in Rockford

I don't smoke but if I did I would all my shopping here

Not sure if the name implies the habit or what you do when you try to climb a flight of stairs.

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It places the lotion in the basket,,,, then if you're free would you like to see a movie.

So the last two months at the shelter there has been a wave of young girls. I am the one that is stuck training all the smokin' hot 18 year olds. Now I am far from saying I am acting professional but there is no funny business. I have to draw the line somewhere in my dating life, and I believe it has to be that you have to be born before Return Of The Jedi came out to enjoy this ride.

Now during the small talk with these girls as we exercise the dogs when I mention something they make it a point to always say:

"My boyfriend says that too"

"My boyfriend likes that tv show". 

I start to worry that they think that my normal nonsense banter may be confused as flirting.

Side note: My flirting is exactly opposite of the way I talk. My speech slows down and I sound like the guy in Silence Of The Lambs only not as smooth. Which explains a lot.

But then I realize it isn't me. Maybe extremely hot girls are so used to guys always hitting on them that they have to have an early warning system to keep losers like myself from hitting on them. They have to constantly announce that they have a boyfriend.  Like a rattlesnake, it's nature's way of saying stay away. But my understanding nature towards the hot rattlesnake girls is getting stretched to the limit. On the 3^rd day of

My boyfriend inhales and exhales just like that.

Hey Ashley Tisdale

I get it

Jesus Christ

you're taken.

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This ones gonna cost me

I hate jokes. Whatta call a this & a that, How many of this race does it take to do this, etc. They are all lame and are either racist or horrible sexist.

However because of the last blog entry (Hode up Hode Up) someone sent me this joke. She wants to remain anonymous because this joke is so mean. I think it might give it away if I said she was in my top 4 friends so let's just call her Jimba.

Jimba sent me this joke.

What has six balls and rapes poor fat women?

The lottery.

That's not bad right? It's almost social commentary.

Ok fine I nominate myself as the only Douchebag in this months contest.