Tangent Jamboree 2 – Elementary My Dear
Sept 11, 2008
Free To Be You and Me
There is this guy at the shelter and his douchiocity knows no limits. He will continue to be a problem. One of the things that has been a rolling discussion because of his douchyness is free speech. It always seems like the person who knows the least about the Constitution is the first to try to bring it up. The First Amendment prevents Congress, not individuals from restricting speech. Which brings up the often misquoted chestnut You don't have the right to yell fire in a crowded theater. You do have that right but if there isn't a fire you will be held responsible for the outcome.
Which brings me to a story (shocking). When I was about 12 there was this creep that drove around all night in a station wagon. He waited for an accident to happen and he would broadcast from a car phone to the local AM old people radio station. Then he would wait for a camera crew to arrive and would do the TV reporting. I was young and thought this guy was a ghoul. One night a house in my neighborhood was on fire. He showed up and so did I on my bike. Fresh from Constitution class I was armed with what I thought was hilarious prank. As he was standing in front of the house on fire I rode my bike in circles between him and the camera yelling THEATER THEATER THEATER. The cameraman went and got a cop and he pulled me over to the sidelines while he taped his segment.
Now were my rights being infringed? Possibly.
Should I have been physically restrained? Definitely not.
But really,,,,I wasn't being cleaver, I wasn't making a statement or being a pundit.
I
was
being
an
asshole.
And I was preventing someone from doing his job only because I didn't like him.
Internet sites, picket signs, self appointed victim's spokesperson, loudmouth on a bike –
Stop being an asshole.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
--
Most of you know of my love for the great Ernest Borgnine. Little did I know we had so much in common.
You are invited to my 100th birthday party. Watch this to see why.
You are invited to my 100th birthday party. Watch this to see why.
--
Let's check what's new in the Religious Vinyl discount bin.
It wasn't Mary & Joseph?
Is this McCain's V-Pilf and her frontier husband singing about how teaching abstinence can work and dinosaurs are a devil/liberal trick
Finding out having a shared interest with The Borgnine is a surprise but imagine my shock when I found out that me and Jesus both like a tight ass and big 80's hair.
Thanks again Bill & Sue.
--
Boners for Loners.
Now that I'm off of the show circuit it seems comic book conventions are getting craploads of media attention. Focusing on the superhero movies and the high prices of collectibles but all reports spend the most amount of time on the costumed freaks. They always say you can see people dressed as your favorite character.
That's true if your favorite characters are
Angry Lesbian Klingon
or Desperateforattention Girl.
--
I found out I have hash and apparently it needs to be settled.
Labor Day picnic in the Chicago Suburbs. I sit down at picnic table with two women. Unless it's really justified I hardly ever make fun of the way people look. I make fun of the things they do. In this case I'm really just trying to paint a picture. There is a type of woman that I can always pick out of a crowd. At one time she was very hot and now she is very sad. I think there is a process that goes through her head: When I was younger what did I do to make me happy? I lightened my hair and got a tan- that made me happy. So if doing that a little made me happy doing it 10 times as much will make me 10 times as happy. Thus the result is brittle white hair and dry scorched skin. This was one of the girls at the table. Luckily I had on my sunglasses because I couldn't stop starring at her chest. Not for the usual reason, I kept looking because it seemed like it hurt. It looked like the something from a planetarium field trip. Imagine this in the shape of cleavage.
I introduced myself and during some small talk it came up that I was from Rockford. The extremely horribly tanned girl asked me if I was Just Mick on Myspace. Then took a big chug of beer slammed the bottle down and said:
"I never thought I'd meet you"
Holy shit my first fan.
"Someone needs to settle your hash"
"I'm not sure I know what that means."
"Those things you write. Who do you think you are?"
Hmm this seems like a trick question. "Which one did you read?"
"I've read them all and they are all shitty"
Since there is really no way to win this I just said in my best Johnny Depp/Ed Wood voice.
"Well next one will be better"
and walked away.
About ten minutes later she came stumbling up shouting
"I can see why you use a bear picture and not a real picture I wouldn't put a picture up if I looked like you"
"Of course I chose a picture of Smokey in place of me, as not to scare children. If you want to insult me try not pointing out my obvious choices. Next are you going to say I have large feet and dress like a scarecrow?"
"Well you do"
"ZING"
To Everyone in earshot "This guy must have such a great life that he can criticize everyone else"
"Are you a big Red Bull and Lottery victim?"
"Well you must be a millionaire some of us peons try to improve their life"
"Nothing you buy at a gas station will improve your life"
"If you know so much why do you live in Rockford?"
"Ok well that's a valid point"
"I'd really like to do a number on you.."
cutting her off "If you weren't on probation?"
Then her non-drunken friends were starting to tug at her elbow implying that her welcome is as possibly worn out as her liver. She tried to pull away and said
"I have to put this Fucking Faggot in his place"
Double f-word Really? Seems a little harsh over some nonsense stories about texting and vintage powdered drink mixes and now looking back I showed more restraint that I thought I did but then said:
"You know you're trying to make me mad but really you're just turning me on"
Then she made this weird throat noise and launched an 80 proof loogy in my direction. It landed 3 feet in front of me and the host's dog walked up thinking it was another dropped piece of food and I stepped on it and said:
"Rocky NO it might make your face look like a catchers mitt"
And my new leathery friend dropped to her knees sobbing and was lifted away by her skank entourage. Now the host and others came up to apologize and that no one knew who she was. She was brought by a friend. Now just one of the puzzling things about this is if you don't like stories a guy writes about the crazy things that happen to him, why would you provide him with the mostess crazy-ass story EVER?
But now since I know I have a faithful new reader I need to spread some wisdom to not just her but all sun bleached drunken whores. When you want to spit on someone who is taller than you have arch your neck and shoot upwards. I know when you look in the mirror you believe that gravity is your enemy but you need it in your Seagrams & Hate filled mucus revenge. See diagram below.
--
Helping me with the
DOUCHEBAG AWARDS
from the 70's game show classic the MATCH GAME is the legendary CHARLES NELSON REILLY.
Do you have a Myspace page?
No I'm on Facebook. It's a different vibe there. More professional. Ya, ya, ya, You looking up your old high school crushes while your wife is asleep is very professional. Save it for the tourists
You are a Douche……..blank…
Can I Bring Someone?
Well the above story pretty much is the reason why this is in here. Sure the Melanoma c-word was the main problem but someone brought her. Now if you are planning a party or more importantly a wedding and you intend to bring someone I think there should be a Plus One Questionnaire. How long have you known this person? Have you seen them drunk on at least two occasions? If the answer is less than 5 years and no I haven't seen him drunk then no he can't come. Your need to show someone off or have your friend that has "been really down and needs to get out" just F's it up for everyone.
You are a Douche……..blank…
It's a cultural thing.
I keep hearing this by asinine apologist. And if I argue I get accused of being racist. If you keep your dog always tied on a 3 foot chain, If you like to see animals fight, On holidays if you shoot a handgun into the air, you are not honoring your culture you are a lowlife moron. And to defend this is actually more racist because you are actually saying "How can we expect those people to know better" . Stop making excuses.
You are a Douche……..blank…
And the winner is:
The PLUS ONE DOUCHEBAG.
You all probably saw that one coming. But remember the results of the DOUCHEBAG AWARDS are sealed at the offices of accounting firm Price Waterhouse and the decision of the judges are final.
Thank you for coming and thank you Charles.
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