Tangent Jamboree #4: More Crap I Found

Tangent Jamboree #4: More Crap I Found

Feb 15, 2009

There was a cat show last week that I went to. I had never been to one before. I went mainly to steal ideas to put on my own show because I am an ego maniac and that’s what I do. It was nothing I expected. Frightening on so many different levels. I realized quickly that I couldn’t put on this kind of show. Not a big fan of breeding and especially breeding for the purpose to haul around cats to show.
Also this is the only time when a spray of cat urine is a refreshing break because women who show cats lather up double time with bad perfume.
Cats aren’t like dogs and horses they don’t like to perform in front of people. During one of the judging sessions a cat was so freaked out he defecated in the cage.
I turned to a fellow volunteer from the shelter and said “you know a thousand dollar cat rolls in their own shit the same way our $40 cats do”

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There was a time before Myspace and before some jag coined the term blog. Hard to imagine those dark times. How I annoyed my friends back then was at the end of the year I did an email rant as a parody of those Christmas newsletters. It was called Things I Can Do Without. About ten years ago a couple of hayseeds from Iowa had a miracle birth of seven babies.
And the country was in love with the Magnificent Seven. It seemed I was the only one who pointed out that they knowingly injected a litter into this woman knowing that some would be born with physical or mental defects. I asked if they showed the same footage of one of the human peanuts with what will probably be cerebral palsy but said the mother took crack instead of fertility drugs would the teddy bears be still mailed as quickly. And how much longer before another greedy doctor and an opportunist whore decided to make the CRAZY EIGHTS.
Now the point is not to complain about  this new daffy bitch because everyone else is doing it. So I just want everyone to finally realize that even though it may take a decade the rest of the country has fallen in line with my way of thinking. So suck it up everyone and get in on the ground floor .

Pie is better than cake.
You can’t have a medium unless you have a small.
Girls with Tinkerbell on their myspace page are f-ed in the head.
Texting is lame.
If you like that Jim Belushi show there is something horribly horribly wrong with you.
--
Hey Kids- More Ads
More Wacky Albums.

Yes, surfers,,,,, Those surfers that invaded France and  Poland.

This is sad if they had this product many members of my family would still have their teeth.

 I got nothing on this. I just love the picture.

 It’s Scientific Walking Spring Scientific Walking Spring

It’s fun for girl and a boy -It’s fun for girl and a boy

Enjoy your Hydrox cookies while you play with this.

 Who needs a fake ID? I would have had the most successful lemonade stand on the block.

 After years of research across multiple countries, top scientists have come to the conclusion that doing this MEANS YOU’RE GAY.

 Have such a wining personality people won’t notice that growth on your cheek.

We just called this RC.

I never ordered the Giant Balloons but this girl did

 click here

Hiya Dummy? You need to get one over on someone that says  Hiya Dummy? 

Umm this is for people too lazy to spit on you.

Don’t play this too loud when you are in hiding from the surfers.

Make fun of city Slickers? Was this a huge problem? When a witty line like “Hiya Dummy” won’t do you need something to put those City Slickers in their place.  
laughs across the country indeed. 

I really don’t want anything called Jaws of Death near my crotch. Who thought having sharp metal teeth by your unit was a good idea? But what I would like is a belt buckle that says Massive, Handsome, Fashionable Those words advertising my package would describe me perfectly.

Sadly so does On & Off In Seconds.

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Mr. Decay was a hated villain back then, but he reworked his image and now has a successful line of grills. 

Ken realized the charade of his marriage is over. And the only thing that is going to put him On the Happy Side is going over to get at the organ.

"The only thing stronger than my Christian beliefs is obviously this belt"

I just don’t know what to add to this.

Oh wait this

By a feeling, do you mean the feeling I’m about to be sodomized on a tailgate of a pick-up while you sing Molly Hatchet songs?

Can you sing me a song about what happened after Chunk took you home.

“GEE DAD, don’t you know some douche with a blog is just going to make a lifting my organ joke?”

 

Whoa Prince Valliant, okay….okay……. The earth is 3000 years old, virgin birth, Jesus is coming back……. whatever you say………… just put the axe down.

In some circles she is considered the Jimi Hendrix of handless organists

the answer is yes to both questions

Yes, the whole album is just one long version of chopsticks

and

Yes, I am going to hell

“…..If you would like God to smite someone who made fun of your jacket….press 6”

Oh Irby, still having a rotary dial phone foils you once again.

Which is more sad. That she poses in a wedding dress or she dresses the doll as Hooper-era Burt Reynolds.

Remember when you were a kid and your mom had that annoying friend that always was selling candles or Tupperwear and came over frequently to thumb through an overpriced catalog while making uncomfortable compliments to you in a sing-songy voice like

"you look nice in those slacks"

or

"that is a pretty shinny KIZZ blouse. What kind of band is KIZZ do they play acid rock?"

Really?

Just me?

Well she made an album. 

This was the time before Dateline ruined everything.

“I know you wanted a car Julie, but I can’t withdraw that kind of money without my wife finding out. But hey, we found this Shakey’s Pizza outside of town. That’s special right?” 

I shout this title at shelter meetings when they’re not paying attention

Someday this joke will get old.

And I hope that day is never. 

This is the poster to my movie pitch.

Mathew Broderick, Dwight from the Office, and that hobbit that played Ruby witness a mob hit and they have to go on the run disguised as a female Christian accapella group. But get recognized when they appear on a Gospel version of American Idol........

Aww fuck   it’s that moment again when I realized I’ve wasted my life. That premise is twice as good as any Dane Cook movie.

I’m going to take a two day nap.

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