Random Thoughts Number Nine number nine number nine

Random Thoughts Number Nine number nine number nine

June 11, 2008

I have found the bigger the belt buckle you wear

The less intelligent you are.



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If you have friends that adopt a baby and you wonder if it would be funny if you ask them

 "So how much did that thing cost you?"

Turns out not to be funny.



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Dolphins have a prehensile penis. Meaning it works, moves and can be used like a long finger. When I first found this out, thinking what it would be like to have that feature, my mind didn't first go to the sexual applications that could be done. I thought how great it would be to get the keys out of my pocket and unlock the door without having to set down both bags of groceries





I think there is something wrong with me.



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When all is said and done, and At the end of the day I realize that there are no phrases I hate more than

When all is said and done, and At the end of the day.



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I get a lot of grief for my sleeping habits. When I run into someone at 2pm sometimes I'm a little sleepy because most of the time I've been awake for an hour. For some reason people believe that sleep during daylight hours is somehow more rich and soothing.

I go to sleep when you are waking up J.O. I get LESS sleep than you.



Saturdays I arrive at the shelter somewhere between 11am and 1pm. This is very hard for me and it's almost like having a real job because I have to set my alarm and force myself to get up.





Also back to you J.O.'s and the waking up thing- whoever you are, if you have a great job or the worst job when your alarm goes off it's awful.

It's the same for everyone in those first few minutes of shutting it off. If you are a Playboy photographer or the staff gynecologist for The View

the alarm equals dread.



Anyway back to me trying to get up.

I do wish I could change my waking up habits. My Saturday morning (afternoon) ritual is to stop at the gas station and get a Coke and a Little Debbie Fruit Pie to help kick start my day. I feel like a loser that it's so hard for me to act like a normal human.

Then one day my loserness was lightened.



Two women were in front of me as I waited to pay, both wearing pajama bottoms and slippers. One was walking away as her friend was filling out the lottery card and she said:

Hode up hode up I got to pick my lucky numbers.

If you are at the Gas N Sip at 1pm in your jammies.

You DON'T HAVE LUCKY NUMBERS.



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Another edition of the

DOUCHEBAG AWARDS



Whose Star Wars Line is it Anyway

When people want to complain about how much they didn't like the newer Star Wars movies. They always do this long-winded explanation of mock-confusion on which ones they are talking about?

     "Now which ones are first ones."

Throwing there hands up in the air like a housewife from a 50's sitcom.



Is it that hard to say

The original ones

The ones from the 70's & 80's

The one with Jar Jar

The ones that just came out.

In Godfather 2 half of the movie takes place 40 years before the first one. So should Godfather 2 be called Godfather 1 and 2.5?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was the 2^nd in the series but took place before Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Oh heavens (fanning myself)  I do believe I have the vapors whichever shall I say is part one?

For some reason just Star Wars generates unfunny sketch comedy.

You're not cleaver. You are a douche.

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The Juno haters.

Now I will admit that I love this movie way too much. In fact if that movie could take all it's qualities and form a woman I would do wonderful and horrifying things to her all night and day. Anyway, I have had an assfull of the post backlash from quasi-intellectuals.

"I thought it was fine, until all the attention it was getting. Then I hated it"

So you liked it when you were the only one who liked it. Then once you realized that people that weren't in your Utne Reader circle-jerk also liked it , you had to tap out and turn on the film.

"No one talks like that"

Really?

This wasn't a documentary?

A work of fiction you say?

Here's a tip for all you Mensa Members. Sometimes people with talent write in a way that differs from the voices in your head.

Shakespeare, Mamet, Bob Dylan, Springsteen, Chuck Jones, no one talks like the way they write either.

Honest to Douche Blog Go the F away

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The guy who wants everyone to know he's a Tom Waits fan

I love Tom Waits. The musician, the actor, the talk show guest. But it's not something I would recommend. It is an acquired taste.

For some reason being a Tom Waits fan is suppose to mean you're smart. (and if know me you know that's not true.) So people will say that they like Tom Waits to appear interesting

So when someone says they like Tom Waits I always have follow up questions.

What's your favorite album Closing Time, Swordfish ?

Oh I just have a bunch of songs on my ipod.

Which era do you like the early drinky-sounding stuff or the Screamin Jay Hawkins junkyard preacher stuff?

Oh I like it all, yep all of it

Name a song title

Umm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hey do watch documentaries? That's the only tv I watch

Dooooooooouche Baaaaaaag

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David Caruso

David Caruso of CSI Miami is not only a mastering a style of acting that makes Adam West and early Shat seem like Strasberg students but he also is responsible for something more heinous.

But first let me tell you my love of The Who. They are in my pantheon of all time great music favorites. It's Hard is in my top 5 albums of all time. And even though most people are turned off by over airplay Won't Get Fooled Again is musical gold to me. And the yell of Roger Daltry warms my heart with anarchist joy every time I hear it.

Then a few years ago Pete Townshend had to,,,well,, I'm guessing had to pay for a great many lawyers, and sold off The Who catalog to many TV shows. Including the entire CSI franchise.

I wouldn't mind that so much except that David Caruso's monotone delivery is followed by the opening of Won't Get Fooled Again as he puts on or takes off his sunglasses. And every time I hear Roger's triumphant scream used as a rim shot for an albino's one-liners  my anarchist heart breaks a little.

Now if you are unfamiliar with this pun thespian (and if that's true, Sweet Baby Jesus, do I envy you) take a look at this montage my new BFF made.

Caruso puns

And the Douchie goes to:

The JUNO HATERS

The Juno Haters couldn't be here tonight they are busy telling small children the truth about Santa then pushing them in the mud.