Random Thoughts VI Jason Lives Freddys Dead Grover Rules
Jan 18, 2008
When I was a kid my favorite book was There Is A Monster At The End Of This Book. The story is what they would call "Meta" now in which Grover knows he is in the book and talks to the reader that they shouldn't keep turning the pages. Each page he pleads to get the reader to not turn the page because of the monster at the end. The reason I bring this up is because at the end of this blog there is an amazingly offensive story that I have to warn you about. But until then on to the usual madman ramblings---
I see the previews to the Jack Nicholson movie the Bucket List. He makes a list of things he wants to do before he dies. I have never heard of anyone doing this in real life just on tv or in the movies. So I want to make a list of things I use to see done only on classic 70's tv shows that I want to do before I die
Have two dates with two girls at the same restaurant and keep excusing myself to go to the other one.
Jump off a boat with a knife in my mouth
Evade a corrupt hillbilly sheriff in a high speed car chase
Be able to explode a hot water bottle by blowing it up like a balloon.
Beat Robert Conrad in game of Simon Says.
Solve the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle.
Inspire some inner city kids to stay in school and while teaching them,,,, I learn a little something about myself too.
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If for any reason a virus is let loose and people are turned into the undead. I've never really understood that phrase technically aren't we all undead right now? Anyway, if people all become zombies I won't ask him but I would want my friend Rob to kill me incase I am infected. It's hard to explain why, but he is the most experienced.
But if he asks me "If one of those bastards infects me I want you to kill me before I--"
BLAM
I will shoot him right before he finishes his sentence. Because just by him asking me automatically insures that he will become a zombie.
And what happens if I'm napping or changing a litter box when he gets bit? He might kill one of the many local news anchors named Nicole I am currently hot for. In my mind the only chance I have to get with the mulitple Nicoles is a supernatural zombie plague that wipes out most of the population.
Don't worry Rob understands.
That is my legend
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Before I get to the nasty story. Enjoy some wacky pictures.
This is an actual ad. I think Krispy Kreme should use this.
I think I should pitch this to the Red Bull people.
I didn't know they made a sequel to MRS. DOUBTFIRE with Michael Chiklis. Ooops My mistake
. By the way, Michael Chiklis was what they called me in high school.
This is Barnsie. The Barnes and Noble mascot. They sell this at the front of the store.
It comes with a cable knit sweater and disappointed parents that a teaching degree is being wasted by working at a book store.
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Okay. Last warning.
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You might find this story slightly disturbing (this means you MOM turn away) Most of you won't find this funny and just like Grover, it turns out I'm the monster at the end of the book.
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I get a call from a friend that wants me to go with him to a bachelor party. I told him no. He said he wants me to drive so he can drink. I told him that there is always one guy at the bachelor party that is the wet blanket that ruins it for everyone and I don't want to be that guy. But after some negotiation I decided to drive to Lake Geneva
At the suite we were waiting for the "entertainment". She arrived and did a couple whip cream tricks. Then she brought out a large suitcase and opens it like movie assassin. You knows those movies where the hired killer opens up a metal suitcase and it has compartments filled with exotic double edge scary knifes and swords. Well it was just like that except they weren't knifes but the items were exotic and scary and some were also double edged.
But before she started one of the guys started to collect money. He came to me and said he needed a hundred bucks. I said "Me Too". He said it was $100 for the show or I'd have to leave. So the Amazing Jessica was less one spectator and I was downstairs at the bar watching a little Walker Texas Ranger with the sound down.
Twenty minutes or so, The Amazing Jessica walks up on her cell phone asking to be picked up. Saying that she left early the guys tried some stuff. She hung up and looked at me and said that my friends were jerks. I said I only know one of them and I'm just here to make sure he makes it back home safe. She said she hoped it wasn't that one he's disgusting and a total pig and she left because of him. She asked me why I didn't stick around for the show. So I said I didn't stick around because it's not my thing. And then she asked if that meant if I was married or gay and then said just kidding. And much like when you have a crappy job you are about to quit you get an overwhelming sense of freedom of bravery that you can say anything. That's the same feeling I get talking to a beautiful woman that I clearly have no chance with. I can say anything. I said the things I work hardest for are money and sex. And when you go to a strip club you leave without either. ( note: I really don't work hard for sex or money. Both just seem to fall in my lap. It just sounded good to say that) And in a situation like the guys upstairs I don't want to be in a room with a beautiful woman and 10 erections unless it was only you and me and it was over 2 days.
She laughed and said "2 whole days let's do the math on that".
I said that most of the time would be me begging you nine times
"Please please, next time will be better."
That's right I bring out the "A" material for the whores. She asks me what I do and I try to explain it but then say that what I really like to do is the work at the animal shelter. And thus began big gushy smiles as she asks more about it.
After awhile a giant version of Ving Rames wearing a Tshirt 2 sizes too small showed up. And asked if I was one of those guys. She said no he is "one of the good ones" (note: Rock On) and said she would be right out. She pulled out her card and wrote her name and number on the back. Her real name was Crystal Rhodes which is funny because her real name sounds more like a porn name than her fake name.
Curious to find out what was the offence that canceled the Amazing Jessica' performance I went upstairs to get the scoop. Turns out much like bridal showers that have games like making the bride make a hat of the bows, bachelor parties have fun games too. All the guys lay on their back on the floor with a dollar, folded the long way, placed on their nose. And the Amazing Jessica while fully nude stands above them and slowly squats down and picks up the dollar with her,,,,coin purse? After a couple of successful turns one of the guys decided right at the last minute to blow the dollar off his face. And that is all it takes to offend the delicate sensibilities of someone that works the sex trade.
Now I'm trying to justify this story as some sort of social commentary or moral. And it's tough but here goes.
Guys: Join me at animal shelter. It even warms the toughest heart harden by cocaine and sexual trauma
Women : I don't want to hear you bitch about making less money than men. She made a thousand dollars in one night sticking Tonka toys in her ass in front of people. As a man in his thirties I'm lucky to get paid half that.
Alright enough of my filth. Seriously if you are a mother of a daughter and you think you are in a jam because your sitter canceled and you drop the kid off at your weird uncle that doesn't have a job and you think what's the worst that could happen. See the above that's the worst that can happen.
If you are the father of a daughter and you have ever said Ya I got a daughter I couldn't get along with her mom so I haven't seen her in five years or so. I'm sure she's fine. Well she isn't. First see the above story and then get yourself sterilized fuckwad
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