Tangent Jamboree : A New Beginning
July 31, 2008
Since these blogs are now less Random Thoughts and more me bitching like a loon. I decided to change the name to reflect it. Here are some of the rejected new titles.
- Listen Up Retards
- Reasons Why It Was Better When I Didn't Leave the House
- Bottomless Bitch Barrel
- Narcissistic Monologs – Why you keep coming back
- Diatribe Shuffle
- The cats are tired of hearing this so now you have to listen
- Whores, the Lottery, and Red Bull I've still got material about each.
- The Run-on Sentence Cluster F
- I obviously have nothing better to do, what's your excuse?
- Diary of Mick Frank – In spite of everything I still believe people are douchebags
--
Really Fools Gold was a waste of time and wasn't funny? If only someone told you that before hand.
Why is it that when I recommend a movie to someone they seem to be hesitant to watch it? Yet every time when they get around to watching it they are amazed that it's good. I tell you to don't bother watching Good Luck Chuck.
"It can't be that bad I like Dane Cook."
Yet a week later you tell me it was horrible. I plead with everyone to see The Hammer. Then when you finally do see it you act surprised that it was a great movie.
What the shit people?
Do you think I've been leading you on for years just as a setup to trick you into seeing some Jessica Alba cinematic turdbortion.
And yet with every warning or recommendation you all seemed astonished at what I predict when it comes true.
Which leads me to
F the Q
Worse than not seeing what I tell you is saying what now is this decades catch phrase that rivals
Don't Go There
and
Baby On Board.
It's in my queue.
I think it's used just to get people off your back about seeing something. When people (who aren't me) keep recommending something bad.
Have you seen season seven of Murder She Wrote? It's in my queue
Extreme Chess? It's in my queue
Homoerotic cage fighting? It's in my queue.
So on many of my follow ups about a certain movie (you might call it harassing) it turns out that many of you reading this sometimes have 200-300 titles in your Netflix/Blockbuster queue.. Now keep in mind that at the turnaround time that you watch and return you won't get to my movie until 3 months after the sun burns out.
That's it bastards.
I want all your passwords now. I'm cutting the fat out of your lists. And by fat I mean anything by Paul Thomas Anderson, M Night Shamalan, everything Eddie Murphy has done in the last 20 years, and all beardless Robin Williams movies
--
If you work nights is it a diurnal emission?
During diner with a girl she tells me that she had this really interesting sex dream.
Well now you have my attention.
We were on the beach and we started making love in the sand.
Who was the guy.
Oh I don't know his face was a blur.
What?
Oh ya all my dreams like that have non-descript men. Their faces are a blur or a shifting blob.
You can make up anything and THAT's what you come up with? Doing it with a Schmoo or the Stealth-mode Predator?
Apparently this is common. But while you ladies are sexing it up with someone in witness protection my subconscious is casting in great detail. Before my dream starts I have a director with a clipboard and a giant room filled with girls. And he reads from a call sheet.
Ok I'm going to need,,,the new girl at the bank,,, and,,,,girl from 11th grade biology. Are you two gals bi-sexual? Well ya are now. I need you in the shower on stage one.
Okay all the girls from the WB shows. Buffy, Angel, Smallville, Dawson Creek,,,,whoa sit back down Katie Holmes you're tainted now…..everyone else get fitted for cheerleading outfits stage two.
And something called the Rattlesnake Girls on stage three.
And ACTION!
--
Viewer Mail
More than a few responses to my jab at System Of A Down being the choice of the dysfunctional.. Not wanting to sound like my grampa and saying that ain't music. But that ain't music. I will admit that they are the best Armenian shit-rock band in the business.
Have you heard their crap? It's like picking up a hitchhicker outside the methadone clinic and having him scream conspiracy theories at you for 4 minutes. It's the soundtrack for people that need their brain static drowned out. If this is just my opinion go to one of their concerts and tell me all of the success stories and captains of industry you meet. Why is that Bill Gates with the ghost of Einstein yelling Psycho Cocaine? What an intelligent crowd, and not at all filled with people who self-mutilate waiting for the newest version of Grand Theft Auto to be released.
Here's the thing : you know how you play classical music for babies to stimulate their brain function to make them smarter. Well if there is music that makes you smarter then there has to be music that makes you stupid. And that my friends is this.
--
What is a symbol for dumb girls that take a language and culture they know nothing about to use for mutilating their body?
The Chinese Flag!
I've just gotten in touch with two girls who I haven't seen since they were very young. Catching up they revealed they both got tattoos. Now I feel bad because I was not around for their formative years to teach them not to graffiti up their bodies. Then they both tell me that one of the many tattoos is of a Chinese symbol. And what better way to get reacquainted with an old friend is to go off on a mean and self-indulgent rant to them.
Have you been to China?
Do you speak Chinese?
No?
Now if I'm going to mark up my body what better design than from the wisdom of a people that make nine year olds build $27 dvd players.
So you wanted unique design number 34c from the wall at the tattoo parlor.
No one else has that same one of Water and Tranquility?
How do you know that is what it means?
Ever seen the video game Violence Fight or Donkey Kong?
Do ya thing that was the original title?
When you translate an English phrase to another then back again there is always a mix-up. You could be walking around with
Happy Jackass Time Bingo
written on your muffin top.
But I'm sure you did your research grasshopper.
--
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
I hate billboards. I'm not one of those douches that hate advertising and rail against corporations. Just the opposite. I love advertising. The more the better. Commerce makes me happy. But billboards are the opposite of that. In Rockford one guy owns most of the billboards. Back in the 90's when I was running a promotion or working for a store I checked into billboard ads and in can run up to $10,000 for one month. I was blown away by this because at that time I could have bought a whole hour of commercials during the Bulls championships for that price.
It turns out that when you are the only game in town you not only can set your price but the only advertisers are huge corporation (Coke, Ford, etc) that have huge expense accounts because their ads are a tax write off (corporate welfare).
When they can't milk a corporation they also donate the space to charities and non-for-profit organizations. Which again is a full write off for him (again corporate welfare) and who really does this help or impress.
Now the other billboard customer is you. With government education programs wisely using your tax dollars on well thought out slogans like
No one wins with teenage pregnancy
Stop Elderly Abuse
and the always brilliant Click It Or Ticket.
I am grateful to these signs because I was about to drive unbuckled to the animal shelter and have unprotected sex with one of the mouseketters and then go next door and beat the shit out of grandma .
Thanks for showing me the error of my ways.
Money well spent.
And then I saw this.
Well played fuckers.
P.S. DARE to keep your kids off drugs.
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