Tangent Jamboree #6: I Got A Rock
Oct 28, 2009
My mom was in town and we went to Dollar General (she lives in Iowa so the dollar store is like going to Macy’s) As we paid the girl behind the counter and another employee wouldn’t stop their conversation as she bagged the items. The girls were early 20’s of unknown ethnic mixture. And it went something like this
So you di’ent miss anything at the party. That one girl who is stuck up was there. The one that thinks she is all that the one dats dating Mexican Carlos.
Once we were outside I said
“Did she really have to say Mexican in front of Carlos? Isn’t that a given?"
Then trying to mimic a reality show mystery race dialect
You know which Carlos I’m talking about
Is it the Carlos that goes to MIT?
No girl that’s Asian Carlos
Is it Carlos the accountant?
No stooopid that’s Jewish Carlos
My mom laughed and instead of saying I shouldn’t make blanket stereotypes she asked if it was from a movie or a tv show. I said no. She said you didn’t just make that up. Which means she’s thinks it’s funny but too funny for me to come up with on my own.
And that explains why I am the way I am.
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My friend TappingLarry’s favorite character of all time is Superman. He’s always wanted to go to Metropolis IL to see the Superman Statue and go to the museum. Once a year they have Superman themed city celebration with celebrity guests . Every year I’ve always been busy that week never been able to take him. This year I had money and free time so I packed up Larry and of we went on possibly the geekiest road trip ever.Glad to see they got a bigger statue.
I had previously been to the town before and was disappointed by the statue of Supes. Mainly because some store had made a statue of a
I’m not a big autograph collector but TappingLarry is so I got in line with him to get something signed by the Smallville actors Justin Hartley and Phil Morris who play the heroes Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter.
^TappingLarry with Martian Manhunter
I walked up to Phil Morris first (I was wearing Mr Bubble shirt) and he said “Hey Mr Bubble” I said
you can call me Mick and he grabbed a photo and signed it to Mick. And I said
I was just kidding,,,about the shirt……cuz you called me…Mr Bubble…
and he stared at me blankly.
Justin used to be on a soap called Passions and so was this smokin hot girl Natalie Zea. I’d see her on talk shows talk about how crazy that set was. So I asked him which set Smallville or Passions is better, more fun and he misheard me and asked
“Did you ask me which set had better food?”
So I didn’t want to correct him and it kinda sound like a funny Jimmy Kimmel type question so I just said
“sure”
and just said he said the food is better on Smallville.
And looked away.
I didn’t even want their autographs and now I look like an idiot.
Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter think I’m an idiot.
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Guitar Zero
I went to a friend’s housewarming party. And I did something I swear I would never do. Play Rock Band. The only thing worse than this game of Douchebaggery is that I found out I was actually good at it. The first time I played I scored a 97%. And I immediately took off the guitar and handed it away like it was a leaking diarrhea filled diaper. I later played a couple more songs but had to stop because I was filled with self hatred.
The plus side of the party was that I became pleasantly reminded of something I dearly miss.
Drunk girls.
They are amazing.
They think everything I say is hilarious.
They need me to help them keep from falling over.
And they rarely press charges.
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Now on to better autograph session.Twice a year a couple bitter crones put on a celebrity autograph show in Chicago. I never go because it’s mainly washed up actors just selling their autographs. It’s basically a TV Land Petting Zoo. But this year had a guest,,,,someone worth meeting. Ernest Borgnine. Those who have read my front page know of my love for the great Ernest Borginine. And last year I found out how much I had in common with him.
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To spare another awkward celebrity moment I didn’t bring up our similar activities. Just told him how much I have enjoyed his work. And that I have had this crazy picture of him on my myspace page and my kitchen wall for years. He was polite and kind and said a few things to me and I walked away with some dignity and this great picture.
But the bizarre thing happened next. It wasn’t having Cindy Williams not watch where she is going and run into me. Most of you know her from Laverne & Shirley but after seeing her I can't figure out which one she was Lenny or Squiggy.
It was this
Down a dark hallway. The never surprising lunatic Mickey Rooney decided he was going to start a fight with Val Kilmer and it was broken up by Larry Hagman. These pictures aren’t the best but Val Kilmer is 6 foot something and if Rooney was wearing an orange shirt he could be mistaken for a traffic cone.
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And I called to a couple of people to come and see this and these are the only things I can think of to describe this event.
Hey everybody It’s Jim Morrison vs. Andy Hardy
Too bad they aren’t still making shitty Batman movies I think this is the Penguin sequel.
Or wait isn’t there a Batman villain that is a ventriloquist dummy?
I always wonder what it would look like if David Lynch directed and episode of the Love Boat.
Do you thinking he saying “Listen to me hotshot you better not be making eyes at Judy Garland see, she’s my girl. I was the biggest star in the WORLD”
Anyway, good thing Major Nelson was there to calm things down.
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I haven’t had enough blog worthy stories to put anything up. So when nothing’s going on there is always funny pictures.
Here is my tribute to some classic Halloween costumes.
If I wore this mask it would have been an improvement to my actual skin condition.
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Dressing up like a slinky?
Put your kid in this and you asking for him to be pushed down the stairs.
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Sadly I wanted this costume. But the genetic roll of the dice put me at nearly 6 feet tall before junior high. And they didn’t make Chachi in the size of giant lanky loser.
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Hey It’s Michael Jackson.
Too soon?
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Easy Reader from Electric Company?
Of all the costumes based on Morgan Freeman I think I would want the Morgan Freeman Narrator. Graying at the temple, comfortable shoes, glasses resting lower on the nose.
“Some days Mick had his candy stolen, some days he didn’t. That’s what life is like on the mean streets of Rockford”
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If you didn’t like the Michael Jackson one you are really not going to like this ….
I want this one more than Blue Falcon. Now I would make some modifications to the mask. Some might say cutting a large hole in the mouth would make it less valuable, but to me it becomes more valuable and practical when I find the right girl….
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“One of the Brady Bunch” ?
Just one. Pick one I’m busy.
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This is Buffy from Family Affair. This actress came to Rockford to make an appearance at a mall. I was a baby and my mom forced me on her. She kissed me on the forehead and then later died of a drug overdose. A story my mom told every Thanksgiving.
Which once again explains why I am the way I am.
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I miss the 70’s. When childhood obesecity was delightful.
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Amish Farmer? No
Manson Follower? No
Its’ Merlin Olson every childs favorite actor from,,, that one show ,,,and that other show,,,,,
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Who wants to see my blow hole?
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This would be a good couple’s theme costume if only they made a drunken molesty uncle.
Oh here it is.
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I would like a shirt that has that donkey. But the mask just looks like everyone in my neighborhood .
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This is suppose to be a piece of candy but to me it looks like a racist caricature about to die from auto erotic asphyxiation.
To avoid having your neighbors be offended or calling Social Services just wrap your kid in aluminum foil.
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Korg ...really? A costume based on a non speaking caveman.
Oh What the shit am I saying they made a tv show about a non speaking caveman.
Pointy stick not included.
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If your kid loves degenerate gamblers or Ron Jeremy this is the costume for him.
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A MASH costume is funny at first but then it gets preachy.
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Mr Tickle and Mr Twiddle Can no longer pass out candy. And in fact no one under 12 is allowed 50 feet within their property.
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Of all the half assed 80’s mercenaries, Rambo is the best one for your child to emulate.
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I have a friend I would buy this for. Then I would have to find a Here’s Boomer costume. Then we would wrestle.
Sorry everybody that’s a joke for Dave only.
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Hey wear this and sit at folding table and sell your autograph!
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Oh my god. This is simply the greatest thing ever.
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Best Robert Loggia costume ever.
Crap No one under 60 gets that joke.
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Felix Silva you lucky bastard. If I knew this existed I would have stolen you years ago. Ewok costume on alternating days.
twiki flashback click here
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Trick or Treat- Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Make sure the kid in the Hersey Kiss outfit knows the safe word.
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This isn’t much of a costume. This is how I look naked.
That’s normal right?
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Fingers crossed for more weird shit to happen to me or stuff to bitch about.
Otherwise I’ll be looking for more pictures.
Stay tuned kids.
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